yehaa...oncall =( =(

i am oncall tomorrow...
huhu...at the moment, i am trying hard to instill the good feeling about being on call. i dont enjoy it at all. especially in merlin park, plus if it is bad weather. i'll be soaking wet walking down the street to go from one unit to another. oh, i am really not looking forward for tomorrow. please God, make it easy for me...

kije...

arini start kije after a nice weekend with hubby.

we were ontake over the weekend. Nyasha was oncall on Saturday and Eimear on Monday. Nyasha still looked exhausted from the long weekend oncall. and Eimear, it seemed there were lots of problem in A & E that made her stay during the next day even though she is postcall.

overall, we are not doing badly. only few patients admitted in Unit 4, which is good. and we discharged quite a number of patients today, which is even better. the job in the ward is not massive, but Unit 5 and Unit 6 drained my energy. there are just too many reviews need to be done there.

I remember i was aske to review a patient with query of ?infected eye. i went to see him with the mind setting that this patient might have red eye or something. but when i was there, looking into his eyes, it was clear. nothing. no red eyes, no oozing, no nothing...why the heck they want me to review this patient, i wonder...

i feel as though i do this job half-heartedly. part of me regret this decision i made to be working again, but another part of me feels this is the best thing to do for the moment. i dont know. i guess i need to be grateful for what i have and do it the best i can. imagine, there are so many people osing jobs in this time of recession, but i got my job, which is quite a relief..

dia datang...dan die pergi...

saat dia datang, hepinye...
saat die pergi, sedih nya...

baru sekejap td melepaskan syg kembali ke daerah cork yg jauh.
entah bila kan berjumpa lagi...kali ni, perpisahan bertambah lama kerna kami dua-dua weekend oncall hujung minggu akan dtg. nampaknya, akan sarat bergunung la perasaan rindu ini kerana x dpt berjumpa. tak jumpe weekend depan, hanya akan berjumpa weekend seterusnya...lambatnya..sedihnya..

kali ni, hujung minggu lebih bermakna bersama syg. dgn batuk yg makin berkurangan, aktiviti bersama terasa lebih cergas. kami bersama2 ke Limerick hujung minggu ini, berjumpa syikin dan MasMahady sekeluarga di sana. sambil2 mengambil peluang bershopping baju2 dan duvet. iye, duvet. hehe...duvet yg digunakan skrg ini sgt kecil, duvet single la katakan. terasa x cukup puas bila mahu tidur, kene memastikan segala ceruk badan dilapisi duvet yg kadang2 ter slip jatuh.x best...jadinya, kenelah beli duvet double yg lagi besar. hubby pon ckp duvet ini sgt tebal, best kalau tidur di musim sejuk skrg...

hari kedua, kami berjalan2 ke Spiddle. x jauh perjalanannya. mungkin 15-20 minit dari rumah kami. tempatnya menarik. ada batu2 dan laut. kami berjalan di atas batu2 itu, kemudian duduk di tebing menghayati bunyi ombak sambil menangkap gambar sebagai satu kenangan dunia indah ciptaan Tuhan ini. terasa bahagia, bila bersama2 suami. duduk bersahaja di atas batu2 pon boleh menjadi kenangan terindah.saat berlalu terasa manis..ahh...rindunya,teringat die...

semoga sayang kembali dgn selamat ke bumi Cork...saya doakan dr jauh. terima kasih kerana menemani saya hujung minggu ini. dunia terasa indah bila bersama sayang...

antara gambar2 yg sempat di snap in spiddle

yeay..dia dtg lagi...

hepi...hepi...
batuk pon dh semakin kurang...Alhamdulillah...

kali ni, hubby ku syg turun ke gallway lagi. hati terasa berbunga riang. seminggu x berjumpa terasa mcm setahun lamanya....

hepinye...

days off work..

tomorrow will be my third day off work.

i am tired
i am coughing
i am having headache
i am havng blocked nose
i am having stress incontinence
all in all, i am sick.

i wish this sickness go away..
i wish i feel better the moment i woke up tomorrow
i wish i stop coughing
i wish my days become brighter
i wish all the best in my life for the future...

asthma and the family...

suddenly,my mind thought about this...

if i have asthma during pregnancy, what happen to my baby?will my baby contract asthma from me?or worse, will he develop asthma/eczema/any atopy in later life? i know a pregnant lady is adviced not to take any nuts,or anything that may trigger asthma, for her ad for her growing baby. but i loved nuts. especially when eating with nasik lemak.

i wish it wont happen to baby. but cannot be sure till the baby is born. in my family, i am the only one who had asthma when i was young. none other than me who has asthma. i was the one and the only one.

when i was a small kid, i remembered abah carried me on his shoulder and brought me to the clinic/hospital because of my asthma. abah did that because i was struggling with my SOB and could not sit still when he hold me. i remembered once, i was hospitalized for few days in HUSM due to exacerbation of asthma. and i remembered vividly how my reaction at home when my asthma got worse. since my bed was on the top of the doube decker, i would knocked the wall with both of my legs as if to tell how difficult and hard was i to breathe that time. and abah used to scold me for doing that. but i would not stop until my breathing improved.

when i grew older, especially when i was in primary school, i would become breathless and the symptoms of asthma would appear if i catched fever/cold. and since i was so anti to tablets/medication at the time, i would refused all sort of medication if i see it. so, abah had to think of other alternatives for me to take those meds. abah once put the tablet inside a banana and gave it to me. but i found it out. abah crushed the tablet and mixed with the water, but i still could taste it. abah did everything. it was difficult for them to make me swallow the tablet.
and at one stage, diorg terpaksa paksa me to open my mouth and swalllow the crushed tablet.

when i was in standard 4, i was getting better with taking meds. abah specifically asked for liquid meds ( a whole big jar of it from the hospital). so, everytime i had the symptoms of asthma, abah will open the jar, and get a few spoonfuls of liquid meds out of it. and as he shoved it to my mouth, he asked me to pinch my nose as to not smell the meds.he knew i would refuse the meds if i smelled it. until now, i would still know the smell of that horrible med when i came accross it in the hospital.

back then, i only could swallow crushed tablets/liquid form meds. if i were given a tablet, even how hard i tried, i still could not swallow it. it kept coming out. i remember i was given tablet by che when i was sick during my 6th year grade,i tried to swallow it, but to no avail. it was hard when u feel it in your toungue.in the end, what i did was, i took the tablet out of my mouth and hid it underneath the carpet. when che asked whether i had taken the tablet, i confidently said yes...hehe...kene confident, kalau x che bleh sense sthg wrong somewhere.haha...

okayla..back to my story of asthma...
i'm using inhaler now. hopefully this would cure my breathlessness, and the abx would cure my cough. i cant wait to be healthier now. wish me all the best...

our visit to Salthill,Galway and Arabics Coffee Shop..

my baby's scan and my new gadget

i was prescribed salbutamol inhaler for my coughing and SOB yesterday during my visit to A&E. never used one before. so, i ended up asking the pharmacist to show me how to use it. yes..it works for me. need to take 2 puffs 4x a day. cam real asthma plak.

next to the inhaler is baby scan when he was 13w 1d. he was moving and kicking when the scan was done. i was soo happy. especially when i listened to his heart beat. my own heart beat stopped. i was soo happy,indeed i am till now. u never appreciate a baby's heart beat when u lose one before...

scan 2

lupe nak cerite psl baby's scan on 12 jan aritu.
to be honest, i was scared to have the baby scan. takut tibe2 jadi ape2.
alhamdulillah, baby was ok. doing fine. i saw him on the Comp the time i was scanned. he was moving his legs and arms. i was soo excited. wished that syg was with me that time to share the excitement

as i had my first scan during my 8th week gestation, the EDD would not be as accurate as when i am scanned on my 12th weeks. so, my EDD on my 12th week scan is on 19/7/08, a few days earlier than EDD done on my 8th week scan. i was soo happy.

that means, i'm going to be induced sometime around 11-12 july if baby does not come around yet that time. hopefully, Allah permudahkan segalanya this time.

oh yes, i spoke to Dr Mc Kenny, and we had the discussion about the baby. she suggested that i stop doing on call by the time i am 24-26 weeks gestation. as this was high risk pregnancy, she adviced me to have as much rest as i can.

no doubt this pregnancy make me feel fatigue all day. though i have less severe morning sickness than during afnan's, but my energy seriously went low. i feel tired doing even simple things that i used to do. and my stress incontinence became severe with chronic coughing that started since a month ago.

hopefully, by the time i am in my second trimester, my energy will boost itself.

baby be healthy for ibu k. ibu tired la baby. but ibu dont mind feeling sick as long as baby is healthy...

being sick...

kejar 5 sebelum 5

masa kaya sebelum miskin
masa lapang sebelum sibuk
masa sihat sebelum sakit
masa muda sebelum tua
masa hidup sebelum mati

betullah...kesakitan mengajar kita erti sihat...masa sihat, kita boleh buat apa sahaja. amal ibadat,ziarah, kerja...
tapi bile waktu sakit, seolah2 semua itu ditarik sedikit demi sedikit oleh Allah. sebagai pembersihan jiwa, nak uji sejauhmana sabar kita sebagai hamba.

hari ni, for the first time ever,saya x pegi kije. tak pernah sepanjang hidup sebagai dokktor aku ponteng kerja unless ade concrete reason kenapa. harini, aku cuma rasa x larat. rasa pening kepala yg membuak2, dgn batuk yg x berhenti2 sejak sebulan yg lepas. makin bertambah teruk...pagi2 lagi text my Reg, bagitahu yg x saya x dpt dtg arini. Alhamdulillah, my registrar was ok with that.

i slept throughout the day till noon. masih batuk2 lagi. x boleh jadi. akhirnye, keputusan dibuat utk berjumpa GP bagi memastikan ape jenis batuk yg menyerangku ini.sebulan lebih batuk, bukan semakin reda, tp semakin galak. my Reg thought this might be some kind of exacerbation of asthma since i had childhood asthma when i was young. entahla...

GP examined my chest. i told her that it was clear the last time my husband examined me. but she thinks that i might have decrease air entry at left lower base ?some kind of consolidation. and she send me referral for CXR in UCHG.

i thought it was kinda straight forward procedure, get my CXR done and home i go. but then, i need to wait to be seen by Triage Nurse which later refered me to A&E officer, Dr oliver (rasenye name die). he was nice. he took blood for me, and send me for CXR.

i was kinda worried at the beginning to have CXR done as i am still early in my pregnancy. worried that this may affect the baby. i have consulted a few people,Eimear, Nyasha, and K. Azy. K.azy said it was ok as long as i have abdominal shield with me when the CXR taken. so, i had my CXR done...

it was another hour until i met nyasha and she helped me pulling my CXR to be seen. accrding to her, it was clear, no sign of consolidation. and the A&E officer also later on brought me to the screen and let me see it myself. it was perfectly clear..

but i could not discharge just yet, need to get my blood results to come back. after another hour waiting, i was told my white cell count slightly raised to 11.8 and my CRP (c-reactive protein) is markedly raised to 137. it damn shows that i have infection somewhere.

as i insisted to go home, i only requested for medication prescription. i dont want to stay any longer in A&E.it's damn crowded. and as i was fairly stable patient, the A&E officer did not prevent me from doing so. one thing for sure, when i came in to A&E, i was tachypneoic and tachycardic and mildly raised temp to 37.2. but, the time i spent in A&E was enough to cure me. my cough went away while waiting for my blood and CXR done. Amazing, isnt it??

hubby told me that i might have cough variant asthma. that i dont know. i dont have wheeze. only intermittent nocturnal cough, and cough when i was in cold. but when i coughed, it would be endless. and with my stress incontinence, it just make things worse.

i told hubby everything over the phone about the CXR,blood result etc. hubby said, ' ke batuk awak sbb rindukan saya??' erk...perasan hubby ku ini..hehe...partly true kot.haha...
i miss u all the time la sayang. not only during the cough...

i am tired from all of this. coughing,headache, blocked nose. it just make my day worse...my feeling is as gloomy as winter weather outside...

weekend with sayang...

i wish the day never passed....

sayang arrived galway on friday 3 am.i was soo excited seeing him on the front door. syg, u know i missed u soooo much.

u just turn my gloomy weekend into a brighter one with your presence. the galway weather was not great the time u were here. it was raining, and the storm is approaching. it was bad. but with u, the world is just nice, calm and serene for me. u just make my day become beautiful...

the first day on saturday we went shopping. oh yes syg, thanks for beg RADley...hehe...tak sangka ade org belikan..mahal tu. thanks ye syg. nanti sy pakai utk special occasion. too expensive to bring to hospital la syg. kang org curi, naya...

the second day we went to Salthill, tgk pantai di musim sejuk. the scenery would be better if it's summmer. and we went to Galway Aquarium center. as usual, x masuk. kecik je tpt die. cam x worth bayar 10 euros for it. then, kite pegi Arabics coffee shop minum hot chocolate yg sedap ngan tuna yg byk smpai x abes.

mase makan, syg comment muke sy nampak penat sgt. i'm sorry bang, penat sbb batuk kot. sian sy kan?Allah nak bagi ujian batuk x berenti2. sian baby asyik dgr sy batuk je siang dan malam.

hari ni, sy x pegi kije syg. sy sgt x larat. headache ngan endless coughing ni buat sy rase fatigued all day. syg doakan sy cepat sembuh ye....

weekend in cork...

i was back in cork on friday night. the journey by bus was tough. 4 and half hours sitting, sampai terasa berkematu my butt,haha. i reached cork around 9.30pm. sejuk. n since syg onkol, terpaksa la meredah sejuk dlm gelap mlm tu.

the house was not too bad. ingatkan mcm kapal pecah bile biarkan syg dok umah
sorang2, but alhamdulillah, it was still in good order. siap ade nasi goreng atas dapur, rajin plak sygku ini. kl sy ade, mmg xde harapanla die msk unless sy x sihat.

entah mengapa, batuk menjadi2 plak weekend ni. sgt x larat. rasa sejuk yg kene berduvet je spjg masa, n batuk yg tahap asthma plak. sgt teruk. sian plak syg, patutnye tolong kurangkan gangguan die study spjg weekend ni since die nak exam MRCP Part 1 selase ni, tp in the end syg yg buat segala bende though hajat di hati xnak kacau die. die buatkan honey tea, urutkan my back bile batuk/muntah,sapu vicks kat bdn, layan my mengade2 nk dipeluk etc,amekkan duvet utk my hibernasi, n mcm2...

thanks soooo much syg. though syg sendiri pon having cold n flu.sy appreciate ape yg syg buat kat sy. syg siap belikan ubat mcm2 for my cough. he said he does not want baby to listen to my cough all the time (baby's hearing is developing at this stage).hehe, isau kat baby ke, isaukan sy? ;p

thanks syg. i have to make sure i remember all your kindness bile sy marah kat syg. in that way, sy akan kurang rase marah tu, kan bang?

esok nk blk galway dah. dah xleh bermanje2 ngan syg...huhu...we will miss u dear.

lie...

i hate lies, and i hate liers...

last night when i spoke to hubby on the phone, hubby seemed in rush to hang up the phone. he said he was doing calls that night and the next day as well. thinking that hubby might be in the middle of someting ie admitting patients etc, i hang up as hubby also promised to return the call at a later stage.

so,i waited for his call. but after couple of hours, he still did not get back to me. i wonder, as at that stage hubby would already finished his oncall. so, i called him..

after a short while talking to him on the phone, hubby revealed that he was actually lying to me earlier on. he was not oncall that night, but since he had a friend with him in the house and they were enjoying playing soccer at xbox 360 at the time i called, he wanted to ignore my call, thus lying that he was on-call probably the best way he thought (i think) to get rid of me.

anger and dissapointment overwhelmed me the minute he told me that. i hang up straight away!!! i was furious. why not just tell me the truth that time, as i would not bother u if i knew. i know soccer is ur favourite, and to have friend to play together always make u happier. i would let u off if only i knew. but u lied. i was sad...

and i was dissapointed too. i thought u know me better than anyone else. u know that i would let u play if u want. just dont tell me lies. i hate it.

but in a way, i regret the fact that i hang up on u. that was rude, i know.i'm sorry syg. i was sick of coughing and being sick that night, and i could not bear adding more sadness to my misery.i thanked u for telling me the truth. thanks syg. i should have told u that i did not like u lying. u used to be truthful to me, and i trust u more than anyone. i just could not bear the fact that someone i love, someone i trust lied on me.

promise me u will not do that again to me anymore. just tell me the truth,even if it is hurtful. that is better than lying to me. it aches my heart...

i love u syg. thanks for giving me a call the next day and apologized. it was not the apologize that i want, but to know that u know that i hate lies. thanks syg. thanx soo much.

maybe being far and alone makes my heart cries every second we are apart. and my being fragile, causing me sad. even ur single simple mistake made me outrageously mad. i'm sorry syg.

i dont know if other factors that caused me to be mellow tonight. i am sad, and am crying.

oh Allah, please heal me from this coughing. i am tired of it already.

and to syg, semoga sihat selalu. sy doakan selalu.

and to baby, ibu want to see u in the scan this coming monday. please be healthy for me. please...ibu just cannot bear to lose another baby.

(to along, just ignore any grammatical error or any feeling/luahan perasaan by me. xbetul sket lately ;p)

to me, be strong! dont be a cry baby ok.

weekend..

yeay... really looking forward for this weekend.

i put a status in facebook yesterday as ' fizah is chitchatting with hubby, miss Mr Hubby so much'. unknowingly, i got a comment from kak farah nurul for that.
she said,i quote ' kesian u, totally understand. absence makes hearts grows fonder...and weekends better'.
hehe, actually i totally agree with her. i miss hubby so much, and i promise to make this weekend both meaningful to both of us, kalau xde arallah.

it has been more than a week since i started working. did one oncall, and the rest 9-5 job. i was ok, coping well. except that i feel useless at times. i am new, and the team knows, but i want to do more than that. i always feel inferior being in my team. being the only foreigner, i feel low at times. i am not sure whether they talk about me at my back, but, i promise myself to do my best.

i seriously need to know my patient better. and i almose forget every patient's problem. i am definitely has a short term memory loss. serious. i easily become forgetful, that i notice. and i am not up to date with the patients well being. huhu...

as life is a lesson, i try to learn as i go. there is so much that i do not know, and so much that i know but has become rusty and need strengthening.

everyday is a challenge for me now. i am really not looking forward for the coming tuesday because i am going to do on call in the A+E, something that i never did before. and my reg had said to me to become bitchy, and not let other to 'spit' on me. and she said i need to toughen up by her. life is indeed become much more interesting now.

oh...what i am melalut here. i am ctually missing Mr Hubby soo much. cant wait to see him tomorrow. we were chatting and 'webcam'ing yesterday, and sedikit sebanyak, it helps easing my rindu..huhu..

i dont know if he feels the same.harap-harap nye lah cam tu...

Lesson 2

1. dont write down meds in brand name. and please know the meds well. and ur consultant prefers cheaper medication too...
2. say no to night sedation/hypnotics.
3. please do ur job well. apparently, there was a doctor previously who worked under Dr O keefe, who had not done reviews of patient in the hospital as he thought all of those were crap and crossed them all out from the list, and later out had to apologized to every patients as the nurses complained about him to the consultant. wow, scary tu...takut...
4. be nice to everybody u encounter. who knows, people may be nicer to u in other way.
5. be confident. voice out loud ur opinion.
6. dont be scared of the Reg. she's human like u.
everybody learn new things everyday.she knows u are new. be a fast learner ok,fizah.
7. dont miss sayang/hubby too much. die kate kene jarakkan calling, nanti trigger rindu. huhu...i dont agree with him, but what can i do. call salah, x call pon salah. serba salah. biarlah. kalau die rindu, die call. kalau die x rindu, i will call him. huhu..

okaylah..lonely plak mlm ni. nak tido, tp x ngantuk. mazni pon x balik lagi. hanya radio jd peneman....

Lesson 1

ok blog, from now on i will be posting many entries on the tittle 'lesson x'. since my reason of working is to learn lesson, so, i'll be posting more lessons that i have learnt so far...
so, we will begin with lesson one today...

suffice to say that first day at work i was at lost. new place, new faces, new system, new everything. it was just hard to cope on the very first day when u are oncall and everybody else is at home having their new year celebration. u have no body to ask, if u ever found any difficulty. what was more daunting for me is, that was my very first day working as an SHO. takut...

the first day was okay,though i have to brave myself walking down the street in the midle of the freezing winter at 12 midnight, 2 and 5 am in the morning. i was scared, but thanks to my baby, i have a company.

the second day was terrible, with cough and headache, i met my colleagues at work. rosie(the reg), and eimear(my fellow SHO who is on GP scheme and has been working many years as an SHO), and john morley(the intern). nyasha (the other SHO) is away on study leave.

so, on my second day, i have learnt soo many lesson.
i dont want to go and elaborate everything on what happened that day. i will put on short notes why and what i need to improve to survive...

1) dont ever get fooled by Dx made my A & E officer. they are all wrong. start from scratch and develop ur own impression!
2) do full examination. dont ever leave neurological examination behind even though the patient confused/sick etc.
3) dont be fooled by patient's history. sometime they dont know what petit mal/grand mal seizure yet they told u they have that. and get full hx on previous dx. if patients tells u they had TIA before, ask them for elaboration, as they might have STROKE instead.
4) improve on ur way of presenting the history. be quick and remembers the details of the patient. and the medications!
5) write down meds in generic form, not the brand name. it makes things confusing!
6) be tough. dont be like a kid.
7) be helpful to others.
8) be generous, and offer help when others in need.
9) dont act u know something if u actually dont know. and please dont act as a dumb either.
10) leave good impression about yourself to others. but to please others is not priority. complete your tasks, and do not take things easy.

last but not least, go fizah go! i have to be strong for baby. yes, it's only for 3 months. i know i can survive it. yes, i will...
to sayang, doakan saya. please pray for me dear. let me someone that can stand on my own feet.
i miss u soo much dear. this decision i regrets so much, but i will prove to u that i can...insyaAllah...

to baby, be strong for ibu okay. thanks for accompanying ibu here. otehrwise i would have cried endlessly without u around. thanks baby. thanks to ur abang too, afnan. he taught be to be patient and brave. insyaAllah, i will be one..
God willing

to myself...dont fret over small little things. u can do it. believe in youself....

to my dearest abang...

hai sayang...
nanti rajin2 la tinggalkan entry kat blog saya nih...

missing you badly,
your Mrs.

galway...

i wish i had not made this decision...
to be working again, i was initially full of optimism, but after yesterday, i think it is my biggest regret of all...
sedih...
nak resign boleh??